So I joined a women's Bible study at church that started this week. It's a Beth Moore study on Esther. Can I just say - how did I not discover Beth Moore before?!?! She is fantastic. At first I cringed, I'll admit, at her oh-so-syrupy Southern accent and what seemed to be over-the-top, fake enthusiasm. Then I slowly realized it was genuine. It is her enthusiastic personality. And I was also won over by the contrast of her cheerleader, southern belle expressiveness with her very obvious intelligent, well-educated, "muscular" mind. Not all dandelion puffs up there, no sir. I love it when I come across a teacher that truly challenges me and tells me things I've never heard before - especially Bible study things! Because, you know, growing up in the church, I've already learned everything. ;-)

Anyway, to the heart of the matter. Earlier this spring, when I finally got to switch to a part-time job, I set a goal for my book proposal deadline. However, I didn't make it. Not even close. The main surface reason is that, finally having actual time on my hands, there was such a bottleneck of things that had built up that I wanted to do, research, etc., that I spent many months getting all those things out of the way. Each of course was more involved than anticipated. And they weren't all just curiosities... the major one actually is paving the way for a future book/ministry I see God directing me toward down the road. So really good groundwork was laid for that. And that, honestly, occupied me from about February to July.

Then there was the deeper reason that my writing is not something that I, myself, am compelled to do. If I sit down ask myself what it is that I want to say to people, I find I have mainly one core message - a theme of my heart. I suppose it could be turned into a book, but that in itself is not my writing. It is the thread that will weave itself through all of my writing. It is its foundation. No, my writing does not come from me, and it is not for me. I find that I am most inspired to write and have the most material bursting from the seams of my brain when I am connected to God. It is His writing. But lately - well, longer than that actually - I have been only partially connected to Him. I have been learning a LOT about Him, but I have been failing to be with Him. And therefore the well is drying. It has had sporadic moments of renewal, but overall, not much to give to anyone who's thirsty, including myself.

And the reason for that is that somewhere along the way, I stopped believing I was special. I didn't let myself believe down deep in my core that He would really do this Thing through me. I figured it was wishful, fantasy-fulfilling thinking on my part. But I couldn't give it up, either - it's all I have. It's all that's been in my sights since I was a senior in highschool. And I knew if I ever abandoned it, I'd be abandoning Him and His call. But at the same time, I couldn't really bet the farm on it. What if I was wrong? Why would He single me out for such a task? All my life I've been taught to not seek the spotlight. So I was afraid of this destiny, afraid that it was my subconsciously selfish way of finding a "righteous" way of seeking the spotlight. And so I lived in a dead zone. I could not embrace it, but nor could I abandon it. And how do you write from a dead zone?

Then came Tuesday night, kick-off for the Bible study. A part of me even felt foolish for wanting to be in the Esther study. If I am honest with myself, she has always been my favorite Biblical character. But to say so seemed to be the same as saying, I want to be beautiful, famous, popular, adored, and pampered - put me in the spotlight forever. I've always felt that, ever since I was a little girl. I dressed up as Esther once for a Bible club event - and felt guilty the whole while. No one particularly made me feel that way or even insinuated it in the least. It was my own distorted perception of the Christian principle of humility that the devil was exploiting to keep me down. That was the last time I ever mentioned an affinity for Esther out loud. I barely even joined the study - fortunately, God created really great external pressures to get me to join... the pastor's wife constantly pressuring us to be more involved and plugged-in, and my friend here in town wanting to do it and wanting the company. (Guess who didn't show up for the kick-off? Hee hee.)

But I showed up for the kick-off. And so did God. From the moment the evening started, He began re-stirring the mythic and epic wells of my heart. And then, on top of that, He crashed wave after wave of personal, specific symbolism over my heart. I cannot lay them all out here in this entry - goodness knows it's already long enough! But suffice it to say that that night, He would not stop telling me that I am special. I am loved. I am beautiful. And I am destined to do this thing. He confirmed it over and over, again and again in my heart the whole night through. And as I drove home, He sang love songs over me. He literally poured them over me, drenched me in them and in His love. I could not stop crying.

The book is not flooding from my being yet. I am not so naive as to expect overnight turnaround. I know I need to do my part and meet Him, start being with Him again... but I was so afraid of what I'd find (or wouldn't find), that I hadn't been doing it. And now I'm not afraid anymore. I know how He feels about me. Like a wallflower asked to dance, I hesitate to take those first steps out onto the floor... but I know I will, for I can see His eyes of love looking upon me. I can't wait to see the worlds He opens up to me.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful writer's conference. Bethel Church, Redding, CA. My wonderful mother purchased a subscription to the online streaming video from the conference so I could "attend" without being there. Finally just finished watching it, and I am undone.

"You didn't get what you came here for. But He took the things off your eyes and now you see the truth from the lies. You didn't get what you came here for - you got more, you got more. ... "

"You're beautiful and I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright, separate the truth from the lies"

I am undone, and I am in love.

Soooo, it's been awhile. I've been immersed and swimming through many, many books of various, but overlapping topics. Trying to pinpoint, or at least hover on, a central core thesis for my book. Got lots of ideas and certain convictions that I'm passionate about, but I just couldn't seem to really figure out the crux of my book. I kept pursuing the "Women" theme, because that's really what I thought it was supposed to be about. And I know that book is still in the wings, (pretty closely in the wings, really), but it's not this particular book. The more I tracked the "Women" theme, the more God kept sidetracking me with books/topics relating to the Church (and/or America). I thought about making the book about both the Church and Women, as there are DEFINITE connections between them, not the least of which is the Church being called the Bride of Christ. However, the more I prayed and mulled over it, the more I knew that this book's focus would be the Church.

So then I was kind of back at square one - what's my thesis? My husband helped me talk it out, and the juices began to flow. I chicken-scratched it all down on an envelope, and a week after that, fleshed it out into a very discombobulated-looking web/flow chart. That was awesome, really helped me group the major themes. But then I was stuck again - I couldn't organize them when they were all jumbled in bubbles all over the page. So then I got the idea to write the themes and a few pertinent sub-points on lined paper, and cut the individual lines out. My very tactile and visual self now had official puzzle pieces to move around. :D So I did. I shuffled and I played for a bit, and finally had a sastifctory Eureka! moment. I thought I had my book. Even told my husband I had it. So then I tried to copy it down into an outline. Didn't work.:P Tried harder and harder, rearranging, reshuffling, removing some lines, adding others in, and just got more and more frustrated. Ended up whittling the evening away, and still being stuck.

My husband and I went to bed, but I wasn't sleepy. I got back up, went in and sat in front of my frustrating puzzle pieces. Then, as I began to pray and ask God to show me how He wanted me to organize the book, He brought to mind two scripture stories and a topic. The first story was of how the eleven chose a new disciple to replace Judas - they prayed over straws and then drew the straws. Also, the story of Jonah, and how he was selected to be the one thrown to the sea; how the men aboard the ship decided to discern at whom it was that God was angry - they drew lots. And then I remembered some audio teachings I came across which I haven't listened to yet, but which proposed that God guides us even through seemingly "random" circumstances. I kind of got the picture that God wanted me to trust His "random" way, and not try to "lean on my own understanding" to figure it out. So, as odd as it seemed, I took those lines, mixed them up and shook them in the blanket on my lap, and proceeded to draw them out one at a time. They didn't all come out in perfect order, but the way in which they did come out was a completely different way than how I was trying to organize them, and, the overall structure was perfect. It allowed me to really see the form of the book. I did just a bit of moving around, and breathed deeply - I had the outline.

It is a beautiful thing to partner with God, even in something as simple as a book outline. It's beautiful to watch Him create it, but to be the one He uses to do it, to have it be both Him and you completely. I gave up my control, and then He gave me the big picture. But then He had me put in the details, because He made me a certain way, and no one else would color in the coloring book picture He'd just given me like I would - and He wanted me to do it. What a beautiful, exhilarating privelege. Can't wait to color some more!

A few things I've been rolling around in my head and my research lately:

Point 1 -
Eve was the crown of creation. As such, Satan attacked her head-on first. Adam, charged with keeping the garden - watching over it like a guard posted on the city walls in the lookout - did nothing to step in and prevent Satan from accosting Eve. She still chose to succumb, but Adam, the first line of defense, never stepped in. (My own summary from various passages of Wild at Heart, Waking the Dead, and Captivating by John - & Staci - Eldrege.)

Point 2 -
A friend told me that he sees it this way: Man is entrusted with standing between Satan and Woman. If he does not take ownership of that position, he leaves a gap in the protection around Woman. This is not just in the context of husband and wife. This is in the context of fathers, brothers, godly leaders...

Point 3 -
In the book I Promise by Dr. Gary Smalley, this principle is shown in the context of husbands and wives. He says that wives want to share their day/worries/fears/doubts with their husbands, and as is often the case with women, they tell lots of stories and details to express the emotions they are conveying, and the husband is wondering what the point of the conversation is. He often thinks there is a problem, and tries to "fix" it by offering solutions to the stories his wife is telling him. She, however, is just needing a listening ear to provide comfort and reassurance. What he doesn't realize is the problem is that she needs someone to vent to, and simply by listening and reaffirming his love, he is fixing the problem. Often, the resulting frustration of both parties will result in the wife no longer talking to her husband, or being unable to because he won't listen. The deeper issue, however, is that Satan is constantly attacking the woman throughout the day, whispering the doubts, fears, and anxieties that she feels. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not trying to eliminate personal responsibility by making Satan the sole scapegoat - but in our modern, scientific age of logic and reason, we often fail to attribute enough to him... which echoes my previous post on the Usual Suspects and the quote, "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he doesn't exist." Back to Dr. Smalley. He says that when this happens - when the wife stops talking, or the husband stops listening, Satan will steal in and fill that gap. When the husband does not talk to the wife, Satan will whisper to her in the husband's place. Now, not only is she under attack throughout the day, but in the "refuge" of her marriage as well. The boundaries of protection God set in place are not in effect. Her husband is not standing between her and the serpent. And now, as she is going out and fighting for her own causes - be it family, career, community, whatever mission God has called her to - she is left stretched thin, defending a boundary of protection she was never meant to defend.

Point 4 -
Now, once again, the wife/Woman still has a choice - she must learn to recognize Satan's voice and deal with it accordingly. She must also realize that husband or no husband, father or no father, godly leader or no godly leader, God is the Husband to the widow, the Father to the fatherless, and the Apostle and High Priest of our salvation. When there is a gap in our protection, we do not run to fight Satan ourselves. We call on God, our deliverer. One should never take on the enemy directly unless explicitly led by God to do so. For if we fight without His blessing and directive, we have already lost. The history of Isreal is more than proof of this principle.

Putting it all together:
( Examples from my marriage. )

A movie that swept me into it the first time I watched it was The Usual Suspects. It was not some great epic movie, or deep drama. It is not really a movie that would be endorsed in Christian circles - in fact, it most certainly would NOT be: language, violence, it paints a - somewhat - enticing view of crime... yet, it resonated with me. Initially I thought the reason was simply because it was a mystery/suspense, and I love this genre. I love trying to solve puzzles - figure out what's the truth from the clues, in spite of the red herrings. And as a mystery, it was a well-crafted story. Except for those anomalies among us who always seem to be able to figure out the ending, this - at least to me - is a movie that will keep anyone guessing right to the end. I love that. 

But I've always wondered why I love mysteries so much. I mean, is there any spiritual significance to enjoying solving puzzles? Even though I am a HUGE proponent of finding Truth in Story, for a long time I could not really figure out what Truth the mystery genre held. Romance is easy: the Bible is a deeply romantic story. Action/Adventure are also easy - these are generally the male equivalent of Romance. Drama is easy - it, by its very nature, deals with humanity's greatest struggles and themes, which are inseparable from God. Even Comedy is easy, because a comedy is always a lighter version of any - sometimes all - of the previous genres. But Mystery/Suspense/Horror/Thriller - what deep Truth do these convey?

That there is more to this world than we can see. That things are not always what they seem.

My favorite quote from The Usual Suspects confirms this: "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist." In fact, if you consider the truth of this statement, the Truth that the Mystery genre tells us is almost - not quite, but almost - more important than the Truths that the other genres communicate. Much of mainstream Christianity has become victim to the deadly slumber-inducing drug that Satan slowly fed us in this modern, rational, scientific age: Satan, though Christianity acknowledges his existence, fails to take him seriously enough. As a backlash to the ignorant and fear-driven days of the Middle Ages when many natural things were attributed to Satan and his demons, in our modern age the pendulum has swung the other way. We often fail to recognize his handiwork, and as a result, live in more bondage than is necessary - especially Christians.

Just today - just this morning, the very moment before I sat down to write this - this was made exceptionally clear to me. Without going into all the details which would require an entire other post itself, I was living under the burden of some very heavy condemnation. It was not a big issue, but the thing that made it so heavy was that I failed to realize that it was an attack designed to drive a wedge between me and God. I was experiencing what I believed to be some disciplinary action from God. And because of my implicit and deep trust in Him, I submitted to it without question. However, a great fear hung over me in regard to the impending consequences. I knew I had done wrong, and was not asking to be excused from the consequences, yet I knew they would bring greater trial, and I had already repented deeply. So I felt a need to ask for grace and mercy, yet, because I believed this was from God, I did not feel that I could ask for such a thing. Or rather, I could, but I felt that I had no right to - I felt I needed to submit quietly and faithfully, because while God forgives, oftentimes we still need to experience the consequences of our actions. Yet I was afraid that they would be more than I could bear. But I also knew that He would give me the grace to go through whatever path He took me down. Yet, I still had fear, and no peace. That should have been my biggest clue.

Genesis says the serpent was the most subtle of all the creatures in the garden, and it is true. The genius of his attacks is that he often tells us truths. In everything I said above, if you analyzed each point individually, you would find that they were all true: I had done wrong, I had repented, God had given me forgiveness, but I still needed to experience the consequences of my actions, for that is how we learn. Yes, sometimes God gives grace, but that is the discretion of God, which is why I felt that I could ask, but I wanted to be ready to submit to whatever His choice was - and not expect to be let off.

You see, though, the one fact that I took for granted and did not analyze until this morning was this: I was assuming that I was correct that the entire point of this situation was disciplinary action from God. Yes, He was using it prune and grow me, but that does not automatically mean that it was from Him. As soon as this occurred to me, I thought the next logical possibility: could it be an attack from Satan? If so, why? It seems a small, menial thing on which for him to focus his attention. Perhaps my trying to attribute it to him was just an attempt to escape responsibility. Yet at the same time, I did not want to be "ignorant of his schemes", in order that he might "take advantage" of me. (2 Cor. 2:11) As I began to pray for discernment, I pondered what Satan was gaining by this if it was from him. And then it hit me - my fear, and lack of peace! For the past month, I had been unable to feel God's love and grace in this issue, and was feeling on wobbly ground as to His opinion of me - I knew, of course that He loved me and accepted me unconditionally. But I was putting a lot of condemnation on myself, and I could not hear Him disagreeing with it. (Notice I did not say that He was not disagreeing, I said I COULD NOT HEAR Him disagreeing.) And so, I began to doubt Him in some respects, and was not able to rest in Him. THAT WAS SATAN'S GOAL: to drive a wedge between me and God. And he had very nearly accomplished it. I was trying very hard not to agree with the condemnation I felt, but I could find no alternative to agree with in its place. And this lurking sense of condemnation in me was affecting everything else in my life - small misunderstandings with my husband caused me to feel much more at fault, and him to feel much more insensitive of my feelings. It was not driving a wedge between us yet, but if that condemnation was allowed to grow, it would have. YET ANOTHER GOAL OF SATAN. As I said before though, my biggest clue was my emotions. Disciplinary action from God, while we may have to go through the consequences, will never result in continuous feelings of condemnation, guilt, fear, and peacelessness.

I was nearly certain now that this was an attack from Satan. I asked God to give me eyes to see clearly on this issue, for I still wanted to be careful to not avoid responsibility. And then on the radio came a song - "God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs you now. ... I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Caller of the oceans raging wild. I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You." As this beautiful song played, the sun began to burn and to glow through the morning cloud covering. As I sang along in faith and praised, it's glow grew stronger and brighter, and color infused the sky. As I pulled back into home, the cloud cover was all but gone. I felt a deep peace in my soul, and, though I'd heard nothing firm or specific from God, the quiet assurance slowly filled my being, just as the sun had slowly glowed from dim to bright. And then, something better still. As I sat there, basking and soaking as the song ended, I heard the next one begin: 

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, Get back up
Get back up again

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

(Matthew West - Only Grace
From the album History)

As this song played, I literally felt something in me BREAK. HARD. And I began to weep so deeply I could hardly breathe. It literally felt as though a physically, tangibly lighter heart, lungs and ribcage were placed in me. It was like there had been a huge compression of all these organs, and I was quite truly trying to breathe again with my new organs. I took deeper breaths than I new I could. And I sat there, under the sun, I felt peace.

As women, we are especially especially targeted by such attacks. Notice, in the garden, the serpent went to Eve first. There is something deeply inherent in what a woman is and is designed to be that makes Satan's eyes fall on her first. It is something I will explore more in my book, but I wanted to point out here that, we must be more aware of Satan's workings, "in order that NO advantage be taken of us." In that moment when I began to realize the Truth behind my situation, indignation rose up in me. When I realized that the issue of my  wrongdoing/ conseuqences was secondary to Satan's attempts to come between me and God, it snapped me out of my fear and into a holy anger. The eyes of my mind turned on him, and I said, "HOW DARE YOU. I WILL LET NOTHING COME BETWEEN ME AND MY GOD." And we need to be on the watch, on the alert for these situations in which he will take Biblical truths, and the facts of our own actions and wile them against us and against God. We must always press in closer to God, beyond our feelings, and let Him speak into our situations. The one thing that was different this morning as I was first thinking about my situation, was that I realized I hadn't actually asked God to tell me what He thought. I had just been trying to figure it out for myself - essentially trusting in the wisdom of man - and Satan saw an immediate "in" and took it.

Now I'm going to go rest with my God.

Soooo, I've picked the first agent I'm going to submit my proposal to. It's Whalin Literary Agency, run by Terry Whalin, whom I heard speak at the Oregon Christian Writer's Conference a few years back. I picked up his guide on writing book proposals back then, and later emailed him with a question, at which time he provided me with a free download of the updated version. I was impressed by his helpfulness, and he's been in many aspects of the industry, from editor to author and now to agent. His agency does not push for one genre over another, but rather their main goal is to help new Christian writers become knowledgeable about the industry and help them hit the right avenues in the right way.

On top of that, the way I found out that he is now running his own agency was through my "1st pick" publisher, Thomas Nelson. I am expecting many rejection slips, but if I could pick any publisher to take my work, it'd be them, because of similar content and authors that they've put out. I was browsing their submission guidlines and recommended agents (the CEO, Michael Hyatt, was incredibly kind to dedicate a post on his blog rounding up the different agents they'd worked with and liked, as he could find no such similar list by other Christian publishers - how awesome!), and lo and behold, Terry Whalin was on there! So anyway, I'm a ways off from submission, but I wanted to get a goal in mind for where I was going to be submitting first, as each place has their own individual guidlines.

So that's that! Now I just need to get the updated guide I downloaded off of my computer (we're currently only running one computer, and at the moment, it is my husband's.) So I'm gonna log off and switch the cords so I can do that.

Have I mentioned yet that I'm excited??!?! 

No?
Well, I am!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D