Joneen Girl

The Writer's Block that wasn't Writer's Block

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:09:03 GMT

So I joined a women's Bible study at church that started this week. It's a Beth Moore study on Esther. Can I just say - how did I not discover Beth Moore before?!?! She is fantastic. At first I cringed, I'll admit, at her oh-so-syrupy Southern accent and what seemed to be over-the-top, fake enthusiasm. Then I slowly realized it was genuine. It is her enthusiastic personality. And I was also won over by the contrast of her cheerleader, southern belle expressiveness with her very obvious intelligent, well-educated, "muscular" mind. Not all dandelion puffs up there, no sir. I love it when I come across a teacher that truly challenges me and tells me things I've never heard before - especially Bible study things! Because, you know, growing up in the church, I've already learned everything. ;-)

Anyway, to the heart of the matter. Earlier this spring, when I finally got to switch to a part-time job, I set a goal for my book proposal deadline. However, I didn't make it. Not even close. The main surface reason is that, finally having actual time on my hands, there was such a bottleneck of things that had built up that I wanted to do, research, etc., that I spent many months getting all those things out of the way. Each of course was more involved than anticipated. And they weren't all just curiosities... the major one actually is paving the way for a future book/ministry I see God directing me toward down the road. So really good groundwork was laid for that. And that, honestly, occupied me from about February to July.

Then there was the deeper reason that my writing is not something that I, myself, am compelled to do. If I sit down ask myself what it is that I want to say to people, I find I have mainly one core message - a theme of my heart. I suppose it could be turned into a book, but that in itself is not my writing. It is the thread that will weave itself through all of my writing. It is its foundation. No, my writing does not come from me, and it is not for me. I find that I am most inspired to write and have the most material bursting from the seams of my brain when I am connected to God. It is His writing. But lately - well, longer than that actually - I have been only partially connected to Him. I have been learning a LOT about Him, but I have been failing to be with Him. And therefore the well is drying. It has had sporadic moments of renewal, but overall, not much to give to anyone who's thirsty, including myself.

And the reason for that is that somewhere along the way, I stopped believing I was special. I didn't let myself believe down deep in my core that He would really do this Thing through me. I figured it was wishful, fantasy-fulfilling thinking on my part. But I couldn't give it up, either - it's all I have. It's all that's been in my sights since I was a senior in highschool. And I knew if I ever abandoned it, I'd be abandoning Him and His call. But at the same time, I couldn't really bet the farm on it. What if I was wrong? Why would He single me out for such a task? All my life I've been taught to not seek the spotlight. So I was afraid of this destiny, afraid that it was my subconsciously selfish way of finding a "righteous" way of seeking the spotlight. And so I lived in a dead zone. I could not embrace it, but nor could I abandon it. And how do you write from a dead zone?

Then came Tuesday night, kick-off for the Bible study. A part of me even felt foolish for wanting to be in the Esther study. If I am honest with myself, she has always been my favorite Biblical character. But to say so seemed to be the same as saying, I want to be beautiful, famous, popular, adored, and pampered - put me in the spotlight forever. I've always felt that, ever since I was a little girl. I dressed up as Esther once for a Bible club event - and felt guilty the whole while. No one particularly made me feel that way or even insinuated it in the least. It was my own distorted perception of the Christian principle of humility that the devil was exploiting to keep me down. That was the last time I ever mentioned an affinity for Esther out loud. I barely even joined the study - fortunately, God created really great external pressures to get me to join... the pastor's wife constantly pressuring us to be more involved and plugged-in, and my friend here in town wanting to do it and wanting the company. (Guess who didn't show up for the kick-off? Hee hee.)

But I showed up for the kick-off. And so did God. From the moment the evening started, He began re-stirring the mythic and epic wells of my heart. And then, on top of that, He crashed wave after wave of personal, specific symbolism over my heart. I cannot lay them all out here in this entry - goodness knows it's already long enough! But suffice it to say that that night, He would not stop telling me that I am special. I am loved. I am beautiful. And I am destined to do this thing. He confirmed it over and over, again and again in my heart the whole night through. And as I drove home, He sang love songs over me. He literally poured them over me, drenched me in them and in His love. I could not stop crying.

The book is not flooding from my being yet. I am not so naive as to expect overnight turnaround. I know I need to do my part and meet Him, start being with Him again... but I was so afraid of what I'd find (or wouldn't find), that I hadn't been doing it. And now I'm not afraid anymore. I know how He feels about me. Like a wallflower asked to dance, I hesitate to take those first steps out onto the floor... but I know I will, for I can see His eyes of love looking upon me. I can't wait to see the worlds He opens up to me.

Writing Unto the Glory

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:49:53 GMT

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful writer's conference. Bethel Church, Redding, CA. My wonderful mother purchased a subscription to the online streaming video from the conference so I could "attend" without being there. Finally just finished watching it, and I am undone.

"You didn't get what you came here for. But He took the things off your eyes and now you see the truth from the lies. You didn't get what you came here for - you got more, you got more. ... "

"You're beautiful and I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright, separate the truth from the lies"

I am undone, and I am in love.

Progress, Direction, and Coloring Books

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 07:10:19 GMT

Soooo, it's been awhile. I've been immersed and swimming through many, many books of various, but overlapping topics. Trying to pinpoint, or at least hover on, a central core thesis for my book. Got lots of ideas and certain convictions that I'm passionate about, but I just couldn't seem to really figure out the crux of my book. I kept pursuing the "Women" theme, because that's really what I thought it was supposed to be about. And I know that book is still in the wings, (pretty closely in the wings, really), but it's not this particular book. The more I tracked the "Women" theme, the more God kept sidetracking me with books/topics relating to the Church (and/or America). I thought about making the book about both the Church and Women, as there are DEFINITE connections between them, not the least of which is the Church being called the Bride of Christ. However, the more I prayed and mulled over it, the more I knew that this book's focus would be the Church.

So then I was kind of back at square one - what's my thesis? My husband helped me talk it out, and the juices began to flow. I chicken-scratched it all down on an envelope, and a week after that, fleshed it out into a very discombobulated-looking web/flow chart. That was awesome, really helped me group the major themes. But then I was stuck again - I couldn't organize them when they were all jumbled in bubbles all over the page. So then I got the idea to write the themes and a few pertinent sub-points on lined paper, and cut the individual lines out. My very tactile and visual self now had official puzzle pieces to move around. :D So I did. I shuffled and I played for a bit, and finally had a sastifctory Eureka! moment. I thought I had my book. Even told my husband I had it. So then I tried to copy it down into an outline. Didn't work.:P Tried harder and harder, rearranging, reshuffling, removing some lines, adding others in, and just got more and more frustrated. Ended up whittling the evening away, and still being stuck.

My husband and I went to bed, but I wasn't sleepy. I got back up, went in and sat in front of my frustrating puzzle pieces. Then, as I began to pray and ask God to show me how He wanted me to organize the book, He brought to mind two scripture stories and a topic. The first story was of how the eleven chose a new disciple to replace Judas - they prayed over straws and then drew the straws. Also, the story of Jonah, and how he was selected to be the one thrown to the sea; how the men aboard the ship decided to discern at whom it was that God was angry - they drew lots. And then I remembered some audio teachings I came across which I haven't listened to yet, but which proposed that God guides us even through seemingly "random" circumstances. I kind of got the picture that God wanted me to trust His "random" way, and not try to "lean on my own understanding" to figure it out. So, as odd as it seemed, I took those lines, mixed them up and shook them in the blanket on my lap, and proceeded to draw them out one at a time. They didn't all come out in perfect order, but the way in which they did come out was a completely different way than how I was trying to organize them, and, the overall structure was perfect. It allowed me to really see the form of the book. I did just a bit of moving around, and breathed deeply - I had the outline.

It is a beautiful thing to partner with God, even in something as simple as a book outline. It's beautiful to watch Him create it, but to be the one He uses to do it, to have it be both Him and you completely. I gave up my control, and then He gave me the big picture. But then He had me put in the details, because He made me a certain way, and no one else would color in the coloring book picture He'd just given me like I would - and He wanted me to do it. What a beautiful, exhilarating privelege. Can't wait to color some more!

Some Musings...

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:46:56 GMT

A few things I've been rolling around in my head and my research lately:

Point 1 -
Eve was the crown of creation. As such, Satan attacked her head-on first. Adam, charged with keeping the garden - watching over it like a guard posted on the city walls in the lookout - did nothing to step in and prevent Satan from accosting Eve. She still chose to succumb, but Adam, the first line of defense, never stepped in. (My own summary from various passages of Wild at Heart, Waking the Dead, and Captivating by John - & Staci - Eldrege.)

Point 2 -
A friend told me that he sees it this way: Man is entrusted with standing between Satan and Woman. If he does not take ownership of that position, he leaves a gap in the protection around Woman. This is not just in the context of husband and wife. This is in the context of fathers, brothers, godly leaders...

Point 3 -
In the book I Promise by Dr. Gary Smalley, this principle is shown in the context of husbands and wives. He says that wives want to share their day/worries/fears/doubts with their husbands, and as is often the case with women, they tell lots of stories and details to express the emotions they are conveying, and the husband is wondering what the point of the conversation is. He often thinks there is a problem, and tries to "fix" it by offering solutions to the stories his wife is telling him. She, however, is just needing a listening ear to provide comfort and reassurance. What he doesn't realize is the problem is that she needs someone to vent to, and simply by listening and reaffirming his love, he is fixing the problem. Often, the resulting frustration of both parties will result in the wife no longer talking to her husband, or being unable to because he won't listen. The deeper issue, however, is that Satan is constantly attacking the woman throughout the day, whispering the doubts, fears, and anxieties that she feels. Don't misunderstand me - I'm not trying to eliminate personal responsibility by making Satan the sole scapegoat - but in our modern, scientific age of logic and reason, we often fail to attribute enough to him... which echoes my previous post on the Usual Suspects and the quote, "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe he doesn't exist." Back to Dr. Smalley. He says that when this happens - when the wife stops talking, or the husband stops listening, Satan will steal in and fill that gap. When the husband does not talk to the wife, Satan will whisper to her in the husband's place. Now, not only is she under attack throughout the day, but in the "refuge" of her marriage as well. The boundaries of protection God set in place are not in effect. Her husband is not standing between her and the serpent. And now, as she is going out and fighting for her own causes - be it family, career, community, whatever mission God has called her to - she is left stretched thin, defending a boundary of protection she was never meant to defend.

Point 4 -
Now, once again, the wife/Woman still has a choice - she must learn to recognize Satan's voice and deal with it accordingly. She must also realize that husband or no husband, father or no father, godly leader or no godly leader, God is the Husband to the widow, the Father to the fatherless, and the Apostle and High Priest of our salvation. When there is a gap in our protection, we do not run to fight Satan ourselves. We call on God, our deliverer. One should never take on the enemy directly unless explicitly led by God to do so. For if we fight without His blessing and directive, we have already lost. The history of Isreal is more than proof of this principle.

Putting it all together:
I have seen this so many times in my marriage already. Literally, quite literally, out of thin air doubts will form in my mind about my husband's affection for me, his desire for my company, my presence being an annoyance to him, my needs being a burden and obligation to him... the list goes on and on. And the times when I have agreed with these suggestions by worrying about them (we only worry about things we believe to be true or, at the very least, possible), and not bringing them up to my husband, I have essentially gone over his head/authority by not even giving him a chance to fulfill his God-given role and step in and stand between me and the Serpent. This power of my agreement gives Satan permission to step in further through the gap I have just created and suggest more things to me. He cannot read my thoughts, but he can read my body language. He can see the effect his suggestions have on me, he can hear my sighs of discouragement, frustration. He can see my furrowed brow as I am trying to fight the thoughts in my own mind. The suggestions build one on top of the other, snowballing and spinning me into a maelstrom of self-doubt, self-condemnation, and self-alienation from my husband. And you see, now a wedge is driven between me and him, and we are dis-unified (at least in my mind and emotions). On top of that, my self-image has plummetted, and I do not remember that I am a child of God, a part of his Bride, and destined to rule with Him for eternity. Satan has simultaneously accomplished an estrangement between me and my God, and me and my husband, and has me exactly where he wants me. I come home and try to cover it up, but my husband can sense the difference in my emotional climate. I try to hide by going on the computer, doing the dishes, whatever - and mentally, I stew some more. But he unfailingly asks me if I am okay. Forced into a verbal response, I cannot lie, even if I try. He knows me too well. As I begin to voice my feelings to him, I find that I can identify no basis for them - just a thought that popped into my head that lead to another, and another, and another. He says, "You realize that was Satan, don't you?" But he doesn't stop there. He addresses the doubts and the fears through the truth of his own feelings toward me, how he sees me, and throught the truths of Scripture. I thank God for my incredible husband, who steps with strength, wisdom, and grace into the role and authority God has given him over my life.
It was only recently, though (this past weekend) that we came to understand the reality of these attacks as one happened on Friday, and another on Sunday. Both times, a thought came into my head out of absolutely nowhere, completely out of thin air. Both times I tried to fend them off myself, and both times they grew and overwhelmed me. It was the second time it happened that I tried to fend it off longer, and so it was worse. It almost felt like an impasse at first when we were discussing it, because neither of us knew how to get past the issue. I said I was sorry for ruining our day (we had had a date at the Enchanted Forest), and that I tried so hard not to let the doubts get to me, and didn't want to bring them up because I didn't want to spoil our time together. Of course, if I had brought it up right when the thought occurred to me, it would have been over a lot quicker, instead of me letting it snowball. But I said I also was reluctant to bring it up because I felt I'd been bringing up so many things lately, and I didn't want to turn into "issue girl." So, I said, I was trying to fight them off myself. That's when we realized it. My husband said, "You don't have to fight them yourself. You're not supposed to. That's why I'm here." And I realized that even this principle had been under attack - one of the main things that Satan was suggesting to me was that my needs were a burden to me husband, and I should not trouble him with them. Now, this is not to say that I am supposed to run to him with every little fear/insecurity - but I am not supposed to be solely independent either. That is what marriage is all about - helping each other. By not depending on my husband's God-given role of protection over certain aspects of my life, I am essentially telling him "I don't need you." And that attacks him. Here is this man who has offered his very life to me, and I say "No, I'll fight my battles all on my own, thank you very much." Talk about a way to kill a man's spirit. Fortunately, it had not gone this far yet, but if I had continued in this pattern of trying to fend of Satan's suggestions, the resulting continuing conflicts in our marriage would have worn my husband down. He would have had a sense of failure without really knowing what he was failing at, because I was not even giving him a chance to succeed or fail. I was bypassing his authority and trying to control the issue on my own. That control aspect that is so deeply ingrained in Woman is a direct result of Eve's actions at the fall... but that's another story for another post. Also, this principle of protection and defense works in reverse, too - there are ways that the wife/Woman is given direct authority and responsibility by God to create a boundary of safety around the husband/Man. But that, too, is another story for another post...

Satanic - yes, Satanic - Attacks

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:36:56 GMT

A movie that swept me into it the first time I watched it was The Usual Suspects. It was not some great epic movie, or deep drama. It is not really a movie that would be endorsed in Christian circles - in fact, it most certainly would NOT be: language, violence, it paints a - somewhat - enticing view of crime... yet, it resonated with me. Initially I thought the reason was simply because it was a mystery/suspense, and I love this genre. I love trying to solve puzzles - figure out what's the truth from the clues, in spite of the red herrings. And as a mystery, it was a well-crafted story. Except for those anomalies among us who always seem to be able to figure out the ending, this - at least to me - is a movie that will keep anyone guessing right to the end. I love that.

But I've always wondered why I love mysteries so much. I mean, is there any spiritual significance to enjoying solving puzzles? Even though I am a HUGE proponent of finding Truth in Story, for a long time I could not really figure out what Truth the mystery genre held. Romance is easy: the Bible is a deeply romantic story. Action/Adventure are also easy - these are generally the male equivalent of Romance. Drama is easy - it, by its very nature, deals with humanity's greatest struggles and themes, which are inseparable from God. Even Comedy is easy, because a comedy is always a lighter version of any - sometimes all - of the previous genres. But Mystery/Suspense/Horror/Thriller - what deep Truth do these convey?

That there is more to this world than we can see. That things are not always what they seem.

My favorite quote from The Usual Suspects confirms this: "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he does not exist." In fact, if you consider the truth of this statement, the Truth that the Mystery genre tells us is almost - not quite, but almost - more important than the Truths that the other genres communicate. Much of mainstream Christianity has become victim to the deadly slumber-inducing drug that Satan slowly fed us in this modern, rational, scientific age: Satan, though Christianity acknowledges his existence, fails to take him seriously enough. As a backlash to the ignorant and fear-driven days of the Middle Ages when many natural things were attributed to Satan and his demons, in our modern age the pendulum has swung the other way. We often fail to recognize his handiwork, and as a result, live in more bondage than is necessary - especially Christians.

Just today - just this morning, the very moment before I sat down to write this - this was made exceptionally clear to me. Without going into all the details which would require an entire other post itself, I was living under the burden of some very heavy condemnation. It was not a big issue, but the thing that made it so heavy was that I failed to realize that it was an attack designed to drive a wedge between me and God. I was experiencing what I believed to be some disciplinary action from God. And because of my implicit and deep trust in Him, I submitted to it without question. However, a great fear hung over me in regard to the impending consequences. I knew I had done wrong, and was not asking to be excused from the consequences, yet I knew they would bring greater trial, and I had already repented deeply. So I felt a need to ask for grace and mercy, yet, because I believed this was from God, I did not feel that I could ask for such a thing. Or rather, I could, but I felt that I had no right to - I felt I needed to submit quietly and faithfully, because while God forgives, oftentimes we still need to experience the consequences of our actions. Yet I was afraid that they would be more than I could bear. But I also knew that He would give me the grace to go through whatever path He took me down. Yet, I still had fear, and no peace. That should have been my biggest clue.

Genesis says the serpent was the most subtle of all the creatures in the garden, and it is true. The genius of his attacks is that he often tells us truths. In everything I said above, if you analyzed each point individually, you would find that they were all true: I had done wrong, I had repented, God had given me forgiveness, but I still needed to experience the consequences of my actions, for that is how we learn. Yes, sometimes God gives grace, but that is the discretion of God, which is why I felt that I could ask, but I wanted to be ready to submit to whatever His choice was - and not expect to be let off.

You see, though, the one fact that I took for granted and did not analyze until this morning was this: I was assuming that I was correct that the entire point of this situation was disciplinary action from God. Yes, He was using it prune and grow me, but that does not automatically mean that it was from Him. As soon as this occurred to me, I thought the next logical possibility: could it be an attack from Satan? If so, why? It seems a small, menial thing on which for him to focus his attention. Perhaps my trying to attribute it to him was just an attempt to escape responsibility. Yet at the same time, I did not want to be "ignorant of his schemes", in order that he might "take advantage" of me. (2 Cor. 2:11) As I began to pray for discernment, I pondered what Satan was gaining by this if it was from him. And then it hit me - my fear, and lack of peace! For the past month, I had been unable to feel God's love and grace in this issue, and was feeling on wobbly ground as to His opinion of me - I knew, of course that He loved me and accepted me unconditionally. But I was putting a lot of condemnation on myself, and I could not hear Him disagreeing with it. (Notice I did not say that He was not disagreeing, I said I COULD NOT HEAR Him disagreeing.) And so, I began to doubt Him in some respects, and was not able to rest in Him. THAT WAS SATAN'S GOAL: to drive a wedge between me and God. And he had very nearly accomplished it. I was trying very hard not to agree with the condemnation I felt, but I could find no alternative to agree with in its place. And this lurking sense of condemnation in me was affecting everything else in my life - small misunderstandings with my husband caused me to feel much more at fault, and him to feel much more insensitive of my feelings. It was not driving a wedge between us yet, but if that condemnation was allowed to grow, it would have. YET ANOTHER GOAL OF SATAN. As I said before though, my biggest clue was my emotions. Disciplinary action from God, while we may have to go through the consequences, will never result in continuous feelings of condemnation, guilt, fear, and peacelessness.

I was nearly certain now that this was an attack from Satan. I asked God to give me eyes to see clearly on this issue, for I still wanted to be careful to not avoid responsibility. And then on the radio came a song - "God, my God, I cry out. Your beloved needs you now. ... I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to the Caller of the oceans raging wild. I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes, to You." As this beautiful song played, the sun began to burn and to glow through the morning cloud covering. As I sang along in faith and praised, it's glow grew stronger and brighter, and color infused the sky. As I pulled back into home, the cloud cover was all but gone. I felt a deep peace in my soul, and, though I'd heard nothing firm or specific from God, the quiet assurance slowly filled my being, just as the sun had slowly glowed from dim to bright. And then, something better still. As I sat there, basking and soaking as the song ended, I heard the next one begin:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
Has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, Get back up
Get back up again

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy
And believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

(Matthew West - Only Grace
From the album History)

As this song played, I literally felt something in me BREAK. HARD. And I began to weep so deeply I could hardly breathe. It literally felt as though a physically, tangibly lighter heart, lungs and ribcage were placed in me. It was like there had been a huge compression of all these organs, and I was quite truly trying to breathe again with my new organs. I took deeper breaths than I new I could. And I sat there, under the sun, I felt peace.

As women, we are especially especially targeted by such attacks. Notice, in the garden, the serpent went to Eve first. There is something deeply inherent in what a woman is and is designed to be that makes Satan's eyes fall on her first. It is something I will explore more in my book, but I wanted to point out here that, we must be more aware of Satan's workings, "in order that NO advantage be taken of us." In that moment when I began to realize the Truth behind my situation, indignation rose up in me. When I realized that the issue of my wrongdoing/ conseuqences was secondary to Satan's attempts to come between me and God, it snapped me out of my fear and into a holy anger. The eyes of my mind turned on him, and I said, "HOW DARE YOU. I WILL LET NOTHING COME BETWEEN ME AND MY GOD." And we need to be on the watch, on the alert for these situations in which he will take Biblical truths, and the facts of our own actions and wile them against us and against God. We must always press in closer to God, beyond our feelings, and let Him speak into our situations. The one thing that was different this morning as I was first thinking about my situation, was that I realized I hadn't actually asked God to tell me what He thought. I had just been trying to figure it out for myself - essentially trusting in the wisdom of man - and Satan saw an immediate "in" and took it.

Now I'm going to go rest with my God.

Just some quick exciting stuff

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 20:27:55 GMT

Soooo, I've picked the first agent I'm going to submit my proposal to. It's Whalin Literary Agency, run by Terry Whalin, whom I heard speak at the Oregon Christian Writer's Conference a few years back. I picked up his guide on writing book proposals back then, and later emailed him with a question, at which time he provided me with a free download of the updated version. I was impressed by his helpfulness, and he's been in many aspects of the industry, from editor to author and now to agent. His agency does not push for one genre over another, but rather their main goal is to help new Christian writers become knowledgeable about the industry and help them hit the right avenues in the right way.

On top of that, the way I found out that he is now running his own agency was through my "1st pick" publisher, Thomas Nelson. I am expecting many rejection slips, but if I could pick any publisher to take my work, it'd be them, because of similar content and authors that they've put out. I was browsing their submission guidlines and recommended agents (the CEO, Michael Hyatt, was incredibly kind to dedicate a post on his blog rounding up the different agents they'd worked with and liked, as he could find no such similar list by other Christian publishers - how awesome!), and lo and behold, Terry Whalin was on there! So anyway, I'm a ways off from submission, but I wanted to get a goal in mind for where I was going to be submitting first, as each place has their own individual guidlines.

So that's that! Now I just need to get the updated guide I downloaded off of my computer (we're currently only running one computer, and at the moment, it is my husband's.) So I'm gonna log off and switch the cords so I can do that.

Have I mentioned yet that I'm excited??!?!

No?
Well, I am!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Paradise Lost...

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 18:43:56 GMT

Some food for thought from John Eldredge's Wild at Heart:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Adam... was created outside the Garden, in the wilderness... Only afterward is he brought to Eden. And ever since then boys have never been at home indoors, and men have an insatiable longing to explore."
On the other hand: "Eve was created within the lush beauty of Eden's garden."
(pp. 3-4)
What does this say about where women are at home, about the insatiable longs that they have?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Eve is given to Adam as his ezer kenegdo - or as many translations have it, his 'help meet' or 'helper.' Doesn't sound like much, does it?... But Robert Alter says this is 'a notoriously difficult word to translate.' It means something far more powerful than just 'helper'; it means 'lifesaver.' The phrase is only used elsewhere of God, when you need him to come through for you desperately. 'There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you' (Deut. 33:26). Eve is a life giver; she is Adam's ally. It is to both of them that the charter for adventure is given. It will take both of them to sustain life. And they will both need to fight together.
Eve is deceived...and rather easily, as my friend Jan Meyers points out. In The Allure of Hope, Jan says, 'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now, she wants to control it. And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate both ourselves and our role in the story. We manipulate our surroundings so we don't feel so defenseless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both."
(pp.51-52)

I don't think I really even want to comment on this one yet. There is a lot of meat to it that would take a whole book (imagine that! ;-D) to explore. Just wanted to put it out there.

Leap of Faith

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 06:06:49 GMT

So I've been absent from this LJ blog for awhile in what was a genuine pursuit of the development of my writing. I was working feverishly- and I mean feverishly (nearly 24/7 on the weekends!) - on building a starter blog, Beauty Demystified. It was going to be about beauty products, and the science/theories behind them - why ones did work and others didn't, etc. It was just a modest blog that would generate some readership as a platform from which to then launch my Reclaiming Beauty blog. Which itself was going to be a platform for launching my book. While all this is well and good, I kept running into several roadblocks in setting up the Demystified blog. Nothing major, it's just that it takes a lot of work to code a blog beyond the standard cookie-cutter blog - and to generate reader interest, I definitely wanted more than the cookie-cutter blog. So I was working hard, hacking away at the code day and night, tweaking this, tweaking that, doing major surgery here and minor surgery there...

Well, I had a lot of time on my hands while I was job-hunting. But then I got a job, and time pretty much flew out the window, bringing my progress on building the Demystified blog to all but a grinding halt.

Cut to a different story going on at the same time: my mom has been reading a lot about the principle of baptism of the Holy Spirit, and while not building up all the surrounding details, the topic has of coursed flowed in and out of our conversations. Previous to this, I had picked up a book called Authority in Prayer by Dutch Sheets. Very good book. So good, in fact, that a few weeks ago, when my husband and I were in Portland browsing Powell's City of Books, another book by him - Intercessory Prayer, the most well-known of all the books he's written - caught my eye, and I snatched it up then and there. THIS book was - is - lifechanging. These books, combined with my conversations with my mom, have opened up my mind and my heart and my spirit to a whole dimension of Christianity largely missed or misunderstood by the most of the church. As this opening process has been occurring, another one alongside of it began.

Back in college, I was more expressive in my enthusiasm for any topic, trivial or meaningful. This of course included God - especially. Through no fault of their own, I was made, by my friends, to feel somewhat silly or childish for my continual passionate effusings about God. Not in a mean way, or even in a disapproving way - in fact, I knew even then that they greatly admired and enjoyed my joy. However, no matter how much this may be the case, continual exposure to this kind of enthusiasm can be exhausting and irritating. And the few times they expressed this, I was not ready for it, and my wounds caused a part of me to close off - in an effort to become more "mature" and "controlled" in my reactions. I truly know this was a good thing, for as humans, it is good to have deep, enthusiastic, emotional responses to God. But it is also good to be wise in knowing when and how to express those emotions in the presence of others. It is also good to know how to respond to and grow through these emotions in our lives. I was letting my emotions master me instead of mastering them. As such, I was also remaining at the same level with God - I thrilled in the wash of joy I would receive, but I rather let its waves knock me over, instead of trying to swim in it and absorb it and go deeper. I recieved it passively, and did not interact with this blessing of God. As such, the gentle annoyance of my friends which caused pain in me was a tool of God for pruning and developing this aspect of my life. I did not realize, however, how deeply and effectively I had sealed off this channel between me and God until it was re-opened last Saturday. This was the other opening.

It is not pertinent how the opening happened or what it was comprised of, though had it not been for my conversations with my mom, I may not have been exposed to this avenue - in short, it was a deep, slow, and gentle time of rest and communion with God where He oh-so-lovingly nudged the door open - gradually. It was like a very slow, quiet, and beautiful dawn. And with this quiet opening has come something else I have been missing for a very long time: inspiration. Not muse-like, but true, honest, deep, inspired feelings behind my writings. I have felt for sometime (since the sealing of the channel in my heart, though previously I did not realize the coincided-ness of the two events) that I have been in a bit of a mental muddle about my writing. And now, even though I still feel in a bit of a muddle as to the specific focus of my book, I feel the God-drive behind it again. It has been a long time missing.    And I have been dry without it.    It is beautiful to be in the cool waters again.

Even more wonderful than the blessed God-drive is the assurance of the appointed timing. Way back when I was a freshman in highschool, I would ride the bus to school and, because I lived in a large city, with all the various stops the bus made, my ride was quite long. I often used this time to have my devotions. One morning, a verse leapt off the page, spiritually snapping me to attention. I had never, and haven't since, ever experienced that kind of reaction to a verse. It was in the obscure book of Habakkuk, no less. Chapter 1, verse 5: "Look at the nations and watch, and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Though I did not realize it at the time, the strength of that verse's impact on me came back to me again and again over the years, and I came to believe it to be a promise from God to me. I did not tell many people about it - I did not tell my parents even until just last week. It was a bit like a secret just between me and God. I knew He would fulfill it in His timing. I also did not really know much what it was about, but I knew that too would be revealed as He chose. I knew only that it had to do with whatever ministry He was going to use me for, which I have known since my senior year of highschool to be my writing.

Last week, I discovered this verse again, but in a most unexpected place. I was going to read my Bible, and it fell open to Acts 13. This was actually quite normal, as there was a verse in that chapter about David that was God's confirmation to me about my husband - I had, of course underlined it, and also bookmarked the page with a pressed flower. So it often fell open there. OFTEN. And I of course turned to it often to re-read the verse. So I had seen this particular page, and the page opposite it, many times. That night, however, for the first time, I noticed a verse on the opposite page. It was not even hidden in the middle of a paragraph, but was set off in blockquote format, for the speaker in the chapter's story (Paul) was quoting an verse from the Old Testament. Just guess what it was. Of course. Habakkuk 1:5. How had I never seen it there before?!?! I believe God quietly kept my eyes closed to that part of the page, in order to essentially re-reveal His promise to me at this point in my life. This was the major thing, but since that night, this verse has been cropping back up in my life, in unison with this sudden overflowing of God-drive behind my writing. And I know that it is time for me to begin. And I also know that my great blogging plans before, while valid and sensible, were my way of trusting in the wisdom of man. And now God is nudging me and lifting me and carrying me and saying, "Joneen, be released. It is time. Write. Write for me and I will do the rest." And these blogs that I had planned, they are not thrown by the wayside. I still believe in the value of them. But as my book proposal was on hold for them, now things are reversed. They are on hold for my book proposal. Yes, it has begun.     Welcome to my leap of faith.

I end this with another promise and a claim God has given me in the past few weeks:

                                                                                                                                                                            L'Chayim - to Life.

In Defense of Perfectionism

Sat, 31 May 2008 01:54:45 GMT

Soooo... I changed my layout! While I absolutely LOVED the beautiful, magical-looking/feeling feather-pen with rainbow ink, the overall layout was constrictive to me visually/mentally. Aaaand, as I eventually hope for this blog to be somewhat of a personal window into my personality for my readers, I wanted it to be a bit more... professional. Well, my attempts on that have taken me on a two-day long bunny trail.

I couldn't find what I wanted in LJ's layouts for freebie users. The one I was currently using was the closest. And let me say, if I'm going to pick based on layout and theme, I can end up getting fairly picky - okay, really picky. (See, previously I just picked based on theme. And then the layout got to me.) So anyway, I thought, "Well, I'll just search online for free LJ layouts. There's gotta be something." Negatory. Lots of nice stuff, but layout-wise, I just couldn't find exactly what I wanted. So, the do-it-yourself-er in me started itching... especially since I already have XHTML/CSS knowlegde. So I started looking on LJ and the web on how to create LJ layouts. Give me a basic skeleton, people, and I can take it from there. No such luck. I kept seeing references for how-to's for paid account users. Grrr! So that threw me back to looking for pre-made freebies. Which started giving me the itch again. Which gave me paid account user tips. Which threw me to freebies. Which gave me the itch...

So, my broke self caved in and checked out prices for paid accounts. Pleasantly surprised at the info I stumbled upon, my poor self is now $5 poorer, but uped in status to a paid user! Glory be! Now I can design my own! Sooo anyway, of course now I'm headlong into the journey of actually learning the LJ layout skeleton, so I can start tweaking it for myself. I'm sure it'll be a couple days' work, at least. But I'm pretty stoked.

Anyway, all this got me thinking about obsession/pickiness/perfectionism. I have been called a perfectionist by many, and oftentimes have called myself such. However, I hate the stereotype this brings to mind. Usually this term conjures up control-freaks who not only live their own lives by their scheduler & task manager, but try to get everyone else to do so as well. They are not very laid back, and they freak out if the slightest thing does not go according to plan. As any who were with me the night before my wedding will attest, this is NOT me. I consider myself a very laid-back and easygoing kinda gal. But, there is something inside me that also notices, for example, that I just spelled "kind of" the colloquial way. Now, I did it intentionally for style/tone of voice, but my head still knows it's not "proper". So maybe I'm just a well-adjusted perfectionist who's learned to quell the less-socially-acceptable forms of my disposition? I think that is it in part, but I also think there's more to it.

A friend of mine back in college had a self-help book (can't remember the title - I always mix it up with another book she had) that had a table outlining the difference between perfectionism and what the author termed as a pursuit of excellence. I will sum it up in my own words. A perfectionist is one who tries to make everything - house, rooms, schedules, projects - be without any faults. Their underlying emotion is a desire to do well, but this desire stems from a fear of failure/being judged/being found wanting/etc. This is why sometimes a perfectionist will not be easily recognizable - one with a messy desk who, if they knew they could keep it perfectly organized in keeping with their perfect standards, would do so all the time. But because they set standards too high even for themselves, they sometimes will just not even try to meet them, and thereby avoid direct feelings of self-judgement. However, they still must contend with the indirect ones for not even trying. So they become a defeated perfectionist. They are less easy to recognize. This is not the same as laziness, because laziness deals with lack of motivation/lack of caring about a particular virtue. But defeated perfectionism deals with a fear of the outcome (or lack thereof).

One who pursues excellence, however, tries to make everything be the best it possibly can given time/circumstance/resources/etc. This person's underlying emotion is also a desire to do well, but it does not have that underlying fear of judgement/failure. This person is confident that if they have truly given it their best, that is what counts. They are aware that their best may not always be good enough or measure up, but that does not mean that they personally are a failure. It just means that whatever they tried was not their forte. But at least they put their best efforts into it - that should always be a source of pride.

Unfortunately, many of us fall into the first category. In things like academics, learning web design, etc, I know these are my fortes, so in those areas of my life, I fortunately fall into the second category. I am confident in my abilities to do these things well - if I put forth my best efforts - and this knowledge can often throw me into hot pursuit (i.e. my LJ layouts bunnytrailing). :) Sometimes, I will run into the artistic/nutty professor syndrome, and become so obsessed in my pursuit that I will ignore time limitations... which is another topic of dysfunction altogether. ;-) However, I must say in my own defense, that in my two days of pursuit of this LJ layouts thing, I still landed two job interviews, and stirred up action on 3 more job leads (as well as confirming the end of two other leads). Plus, I helped my husband run several errands and took him to and from his work (since my car is our only vehicle at the moment). So at least I was mostly curbing my inner mad scientist compulsions. ;-)

Back to that first category, though. The central issue for perfectionists & defeated perfectionists is fearfulness - which is the flip side of a lack of confidence. When we are usure if we'll be good at something (or worse, when we're certain we'll be terrible at it - which may or may not be true, by the way), it's very, very difficult to have any sort of confidence about our ability to perform well. This just feeds the fear of failure, which feeds the perfectionism. The funny thing about confidence, though, is that you can't get it if you don't try. It is built up only by successful attempts. There's one of those pesky, performance-driven words that are the bane of perfectionists: success. A distorted perception of success is the other issue at the root of a perfectionist's cyclical torture. Too-high standards combined with too-low confidence/a fear of failure and what do you get? One stressed-out, freaked-out human being. As a woman - and as a writer (there's that artistic/mad scientist gene again) - I am prone to this particular combination. But, as Tyra has said several times over on ANTM, "If you don't have the confidence, fake it 'till you do." Easier said than done, but when it is done, it does help. And one of the best ways to force fake confidence is to accept that you have fears (don't deny them, that'll bite you later on), but put them in their place: a corner of your mind where they're not allowed to have your attention. Essentially, they get a time-out. And then, take yourself less seriously, allow for mistakes, be able to laugh at yourself, and give it your all. You'll get better, and as you do, the fears will demand less and less of your attention.

I guess what I - and any other perfectionists - need to realize is the beauty of perfectionism... when it's set in the context of a pursuit of excellence. The desire that is at the root of both of these perspectives is a good thing. If you're a perfectionist, you should rejoice in your desire for excellence - where would the world be if people never pursued excellent solutions, but just stopped at "good enough"? However, we must also realize that this desire can be crippled by our fears and our twisted perceptions of excellence. We need to cherish the desire for excellence and put it under the best conditions for growth - hard work, humility, grace, laughter, and belief in ourselves.

It's All About the Story

Thu, 29 May 2008 01:52:11 GMT

So I'm feeling the need to post something profound, but a long day of phone-calling, going to the DMV, trying to go to the Social Security office, and other miscellaneous tasks have left me feeling a bit... blank. Not bummed, or tired, but not very inspired either. A bit zombie-ish. That's what a lot of the past week has been like, an I can't even honestly tell you where that week has gone. I just know I've been doing stuff. And I hate that feeling. Not knowing where my time has gone, feeling like I've been uber-busy, and yet only being able to produce one or two items in evidence of any productivity. Kinda makes a girl feel a bit moored and deflated.

And yet, it's just one day, or one week, in the timeline of my life. Tomorrow is a new day with a new story to write. But if I'm not careful, when I get up tomorrow, I'll remeber today's story, and be mentally in it as if it were still the present. See, we are constantly telling ourselves stories about ourselves. Sometimes they're true, sometimes they're not, and sometimes they're a good mix of both. But the point is, whenever we are subconsciously telling ourself a story, it is a story that we believe. And we act like it's true in the present moment, whether it is or not. The thing is, we can change the story whenever we want. Yes, all day today I felt blocked and unproductive. But if I tell myself that tomorrow, guess what? I'll be blocked and unproductive. If I tell myself that even now, as I'm writing this - I'll be blocked and uproductive. But if I tell myself, hey, that's not who I am - yes, that's how I was earlier today, but that's not who I am, then I give myself the option to be a different - but equally authentic (if not moreso) - version of myself. I've also been very efficient and productive before, and that's another story about myself that I have done and can do again.

It's the same with being a woman. There have been moments when I have felt "fully female" - but if I keep telling myself the story about the Joneen who is insecure, who feels intimitated by the prom queens, who feels like she should stick to the more tomboy side of life because she's better at it, then that's the Joneen I'll end up being. But that story is not who I am. It is who I have been at times. But I have also at times been a girl who felt graceful, womanly, accomplished, and even - once or twice - beautiful. If I tell myself the story about me when I felt like that, and tell myself it often enough, I will eventually be like that.

And while we shouldn't always listen to the stories others tell about us - either to our face or behind our back - there are some that are worth listening to, believing, taking in to ourselves, and retelling them to ourselves later. Like, for example, when my husband told me that I was a high-quality woman who knows what it takes to be a wife, and that all those women who I think are so beautiful or "have it all" are not high-quality and don't even compare to me. Or when a best friend toasts me at my wedding and tells me that it has been magical knowing me. Or, most importantly, the stories God has told me about myself - Jamsine, Eowyn, Iris, Aphrodite, phoenix, Athena, dove.

It is important to know which bad stories we tell ourselves are lies, and which are true. Because not everything about us is good. But then, it is even more important to find out and memorize the stories about ourselves that are good - and to redeem the bad stories by telling ourselves the good ones so often that the bad ones seem like a dream that you have trouble remembering upon waking.

Confession

Mon, 19 May 2008 21:31:23 GMT

Okay, it's confession time: I am addicted to America's Next Top Model. So addicted, in fact, that I am a member of the ANTM "Spot" on FanPop.com. From there, I've been able to keep up on the show & not have to worry if I missed it during it's scheduled air time. (Which has happened a lot lately, what with the move and wedding and all.)

What does this have to do with my writing, you say? Absolutely everything. Watching ANTM embodies my struggle. The girls that get on the show are the ones that I have shied away from my whole life. However, as I began watching the show (out of morbid curiosity initially), I began to see a couple things. One, the business/talent side of modeling. So often, you just see the pretty face, and the (forgive me) kind of mindless slavery to fashion dictates. But watching the show, I really began to understand the true talent and hard work it actually takes to pull of top-model status. And not that I thought that it was all "easy-breezy"... but I definitely realized there was more respect to give to the profession than I had previously given.

Two, and more significantly, I began to see that the thing that each winner possessed that made her the winner is the very thing I am struggling to obtain in my life: womanly confidence. It is comforting to watch - from the safety of my home, without having to face such girls - to watch those that intimidate me struggle with the very thing I thought they had mastered more than I. It has made me less mentally superior to them (which was really a cover-up of my insecurity), and has even helped me identify with them and feel more comfortable around other women that I would have previously avoided. I am an intuitive learner, reading between the lines, and so watching this show has truly been a learning experience for me. I love seeing the girls progress in confidence, and thus in the competition, and I hurt for those who can't bolster their confidence enough, and are eventually sent home. I especially love seeing those girls who seem like they're going to crack under the pressure rise to the occasion instead and overcome their insecurities.

When you experience with something in story format (television is a form of story), the story carries us along, and we are changed as the characters we identify with are changed. Madeleine L'Engle said it this way: "I remember... the day after my grandmother died... I turned to a story, a book I had already read and re-read, a book in which a young woman is called to look at her own life and let it go. And her grief eased my grief." (From The Rock That Is Higher - if you really need the page number, let me know, lol.) And so it is with me and ANTM. Watching the other girls learn to be confident helps me learn to do the same thing.

That said, I was thrilled today when I watched (on FanPop, lol) the finale for the most recent cycle (Cycle 10).

The winner was Whitney, the "plus-size" (PC: "full-figured") contestant. She's really only a size 10, but in the modeling world of the standard size 2, that's a pretty noticeable difference. ANTM has had previous full-figured gals, and while some of them made it pretty far, only one of them ever made it into the top 6 who go abroad - and even then, she didn't last very long past that. All of them, at some point, lost themselves and their identity in the harsh world of the fashion industry. And I can't really blame them - you have to be strong even as a skinny gal to make it in the modeling industry - the full-figured girls have to be ten times stronger. So I guess it's only fitting that in the tenth cycle, somebody finally made it! And I have to tell you, as shallow as it may sound, watching Whitney win was truly theraputic for me. Because I have never identified with a contestant as much as I did her - so when she won, I won too. It actually made me a little teary-eyed.

So I just had to share my joy.

Reclaiming Beauty (My Upcoming Blog)

Mon, 19 May 2008 02:38:36 GMT

So I'm working on getting a professional blog up and running. For those that know me and my writing goals, what I am choosing to focus on as my topic for it may be a bit of a surprise. Not in a bad way - it's just that it hasn't really been a topic I mentioned before to anyone in my writing goals. It's something that has developed in me under the surface the past two or three years, and only really became inspiring to me as a writing topic in the past few months. Anyway, I'm rambling. The blog is going to be about women figuring out how to be women.

Growing up, I always kind of felt superior to "girly girls" who were excessively prissy. I always prided myself that I wasn't like that, and would actually go to great lengths to NOT be like that. If everyone was shrieking about a slug, I'd get really excited about it, go up and touch it/inspect it/etc. Not my enthusiasm was fake, but I would definitely make sure that it got noticed, and that because of it, I was distinguished from the other girls. I didn't try to be a huge tomboy - I loved dress-up parties and princess movies just as much, if not more, than other girls - but I did make sure, as much as I could, that I didn't stay in that stereotype. I loved taking people by surprise and breaking their initial "sugar & spice" impression of me. So I've always been proud that while I have a tendency to be "girly," I'm not JUST girly, and am a lot less fragile and have a lot more substance to me than other girls who ARE "just girly." It may be conceited, but that's how I felt.
Then, enter the boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, THE boyfriend, THE ONE. The boyfriend that has now become my husband. I'd had a couple "relationships" before I met him, but they were both under 3 months each, and they were both pretty superficial relationships - not fake, it's just that we didn't bond very deeply, So neither of those relationships really brought up any deep issues in me, besides figuring out what I really wanted in a guy and how to be wiser about it. So now I'm in a committed relationship, and I'm starting to notice things about myself that had never (so I thought) been an issue before.

I never considered myself an insecure person - we all have our moments or specific weak areas, but on the whole, I felt like a very confident gal. And I was. Except in one area - feeling like a woman. Part of the reason I shied away from being such a "girly girl" was because around these kinds of girls, I felt a bit like the odd one out. If I had wanted to try to be super girly, I felt that I wouldn't be good at it... there was always a "rival" girl - from kindergarten through college - who was better at it than me. Not always the popular girl, but one of the more popular girls. And I knew I could never be like that, so I purposely didn't even try. On a more basic level, I didn't even want to be a part of that group because they tended to be more catty and mean, but in the sheer aspect of "womanly arts," I knew I'd never be better than average, and I would always be inferior to them. That is truly what I believed about myself, without realizing it.

Well, a relationship definitely has a way of bringing that type of issue to the surface. Before I met my now-husband, I never had a reason to face the issue. But there's nothing like a guy to make you want to be the best "woman" you can be. And I don't mean this in a sexual way at all. (Though that's definitely a major aspect - but it's not my main point right now.) If you love a guy, you want to captivate him - it's not that he can't admire other women... you just want to feel like #1 at everything in his eyes. And when you're insecure, it doesn't matter what he tells you... YOU are still telling yourself, consciously or subconsciously, that you're inferior.

So these are some things I've been realizing about myself. For a long time now, I've been on a tentative journey toward the more "girly" side of life. I even used to be AFRAID of going into stores like Ulta, or Sephora, or any beauty section of a department store, just because to me, these women seemed so womanly, and I felt so NOT womanly just by being around them. But I have been learning to overcome these insecurities, and to do things that make myself feel more secure and accomplished. In the process, I've been realizing many fundamental things about being a woman, and how many women really struggle with this themselves in different ways. Even - and sometimes especially - those very same women that I perceived as having the whole "womanly" thing together. I have since become so passionate about it that I've decided to start my writing there. I know I'm not 100% perfectly confident and secure, but if I can help even one other woman out there by sharing my journey, insights, and mishaps, then I will be truly overjoyed. So here's to Reclaiming Beauty (the blog and the action)... and helping every woman feel beautiful through and through.

Braving the World of the Written Word (...and an explanation for my appearance onto the LJ scene)

Sat, 17 May 2008 01:10:46 GMT

So if you read my bio, you'll know that I am an aspiring author. One of the steps I am taking to accomplish that goal is setting up a blog. That was going to be the idea behind this site, but I'm a "P" (if you're familiar with Myers-Briggs), which basically means that I like to know all my options before making a decision so I can make the best one. Some would call this indecisive. I call it quality pickiness. Anyway, back to the point. So in researching how to create a good professional blog, I obviously ran into several suggestions. I was thinking I could use something simple like LJ or Blogger to get myself started, and then upgrade to the paid version of whichever I picked later, and at that time register it with my own domain name too, so I'd be uber-professional. Well, long story short, I decided that it would be best to do it right the first time. So I decided to go with WordPress.org, where you download the software, pay for hosting, etc. etc. And, as it happens, I'm recently married, as well as recently re-located and heading for another relocation! Consequently, income flowing in is low (between jobs), and bills flowing in is high, lol. So even though we technically have the money, my husband and I decided I should wait on investing in the paid hosting till we're a bit more on our feet. We did agree, however, that I should reserve my domain name (www.reclaimingbeauty.com), so it doesn't get taken in the interim. That was only $10. Another part of the story, however, is that a good friend had recently joined LJ, and asked if I was on too. I wasn't, but I used to be, and kind of wanted to be again, so I said I'd sign back up. (That was also why I initially looked into LJ as my blogging platform.) So I still wanted to have an LJ, and was also in need of a blog to keep track of my writing and be involved in writing communities... ta-da! All that really to say, here I am! I'm pretty stoked about it, as my MySpace & Facebook accounts really serve as keeping-in-touch sites, and don't help with my writing much. So I'm thrilled to start diving in and see what comes...